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Mar. 4th, 2007

05:57 pm - I got a job... now a new place?

So I haven't posted in the past few weeks because I got a job.... a great job and I've been insanely busy. I'm now the Director of Volunteers & Community Outreach for a local religious non-profit i.e. church, and with a 6 day workweek schedule I have just been trying to keep up. The job literally came at the 11th hour and I am so thankful that God provided me with an opportunity that is more in line with my ultimate career goals as well as the right salary. Now the salary isn't great, I mean I make about 10k less than I used to make. But it was 200 more than what I asked God for, so all I can say is thank you.

Now that I have a job, the old "issues" that I was facing before I quit my job were now back on my radar. Basically, I was looking to move out of my apartment ASAP and once I quit my old job, I put the idea of moving on the back burner, but I knew that I still needed to move if it was God's will for me to be in NYC. Well, about 1 week ago I decided to put my current place on the market because while looking for a place I needed to make sure that I had the $$$ together to move. And being out of work for 6 weeks wiped out my savings, so I was just praying that God would allow someone to take my place so that I could have the $$$ I needed to actually move. Well, PRAISE REPORT, God has allowed someone to take my place and once the check clears, now I will have the money I need to move. What's more is that once I submitted that request to God in prayer and also prayed for Him to open a door for me to move in with a Christian, the next day at church this girl told me that her 2 bedroom place in the Upper West Side just opened! I could see that God was moving in my life, answering prayers and making His will known to me.

However, with me it seems to never last long enough. Although God has brought me through many a tough time, I still have this ability to doubt Him. I asked God for the right job here in NYC if it was His will for me to be here, and at the 11th hour he brought that job my way. Yet, the opportunity to live with the girl from my church may have slipped through my fingers and the reality that I may have to settle and live with a non-Christian or live with a Christian in a neighborhood that doesn't meet my needs, is freaking me out. I took the 10k pay cut because I believed it was God's will for me to take this job. But now because I have taken this job, I can't afford the majority of the places I would want to live in and I have very few (as in 1) opportunity to live with a Christian, in the right neighborhood, for the right amount. Sigh. So I went to see the place yesterday with the girl from my church and the apartment was great, a few cons but no place is perfect. But I thought that we would hit it off so well that she would invite me to move in. Well, she didn't and even worse she's interviewing other people and I just didn't feel good about it.

On the way home I tried to prepare myself for the worst-case scenario, that maybe it wasn't God's will for that and me to be here I may need to quit this job and go home. Or that I would need to settle for less and work my butt off to pay rent for a place that wasn't what I wanted as in bad neighborhood, living with non-Christians, etc. I know myself well enough to say that I would rather just head home then suffer with the latter option. I now, with this job, only get 1 day off per week and the thought of enjoying that day off in a sub par neighborhood or coming home after a long day to sub par roommates...well, that just doesn't sit well with me.

So here I am, again, at another crossroads. What's funny is that I am still not 100% healed from the last storm I went through and I don't know if I can mentally/ emotionally/ spiritually go through another one. I'm almost tempted to just pack everything and go home... I just don't know what else to do. I feel like the more I try and pursue my dreams, God given dreams, that the more I come up against and at the end of the day, I have to ask, "Is it worth it?". I'm so exhausted and I just don't know anymore. I'll keep doing my part, emailing about apartments and attending open houses, but all I can do is trust that God will open the right doors for me. I just pray He lets me know something sooner rather than later, so I can at least buy the cheapest flight home.

Current Location: Home

Current Mood: blah

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Feb. 2nd, 2007

02:45 am - Mean boys suck

So I had a little get together tonight at a bar near my old job, to say a proper good-bye to my co-workers. Since being here in New York, my co-workers have been the bulk of my social life since I would spend at least 40 hours a week with them, so I have been missing them a lot. It was good to see everyone, but a bit bittersweet because the one person I was hoping would show up did not come. And it's one of those situations where the lack of action speaks louder than actual words.This friend and I had a falling out because, well, read my previous 2 blogs and you'll know the story. However, my anger has pretty much vanished and now that I’m sane enough again, I thought I should at least make an effort to make amends. Not even that I felt I was in the wrong, he was the one who treated me as if I don't matter, and was callous and cold when I needed him to be honest with me. But being the one who is spiritually mature, I felt it was important to humble myself and do the right thing. I sent him an email, with a casual, quick apology and told him it would be real cool of him to come through to my party tonight, since he works 1 block away and loves free drinks.

I should've known better when he didn't email me back, but I thought maybe he just doesn't know what to say and will just show up and at least things will be positive between us. I know we're not going to be best friends, and I don't want/ need that, but at least let there be a window of opportunity for positive things to happen and not the closed door that I instituted when he continued to hurt my feelings. Well, he didn't come and every time his name was mentioned all I could do was grin and bear it. But my feelings are really hurt.... like beyond what I can even type right here.

It's one thing to treat someone badly and have them reject you. I understand that. But I have never treated him in any way that was insensitive, disrespectful, or whatever. NEVER. Even when I had the right to be all those things, I wasn't. Now yes, I call him all kinds of names here (see previous blogs), but even so I still treated him how I would want someone to treat me. Besides, our friendship is more than just the past 3 weeks of nonsense, or so I thought. But what he is telling me by 1) not responding to my email and 2) not attending my party is that he doesn't give a f*ck about me. That's a hard truth to swallow. To think that this person I felt close enough with to tell him first when I decided to leave my job, to open up to him, give him an AWESOME Christmas gift (etc), that he doesn't respect me, doesn't care for, dislikes me, whatever is just like WTF!!! I want to be angry, but I'm so hurt...


And to top all that off, a mutual "friend" of ours who has shown her true colors as well, also acted shady and didn't show up. And even one of the people who did show up, has now gotten so close to him that I don't even trust him. I truly believe that "birds of a feather stick together" and if this "friend" can treat me SOOOOO wrong without even batting an eyelash, I need to be on guard with anyone else who spends that much time with him. What's more is that my friend mentioned to me that not only is he still after that woman at the job (even though she's married), but that this woman has the nerve to be angry with ME for not inviting her to my parties. Again, WTF??? We we're never that close and what's more, the guy I am sweatin' is sweatin' her and even though she's married she's probably still sleeping with him. Why would I want to spend time with this woman? So I can see her and the man I want all over each other, like at our holiday party? No thanks; I left the holiday party in TEARS.... I could barely speak to the cab driver and give him directions to my house. I felt like such an idiot. Let's not revisit that again.

I also had another friend tell me; maybe he doesn't like you because you're black. Excuse me? I thought he was black. He refers to himself as a nigga and would damn sure be working on the plantation with me if this were pre-civil war America. Are you kidding me? I guess he's Indian, although he's from the Caribbean or some ish. Whatever the case, I know what it's like when a guy doesn't like you. I know how he treats you. Do guys who don't like you caress your face, ask for massages, bring you food from their home and tell you that they think you're sexy? Oh well, it's moot at this point... what else can I say?

I didn't move to New York to be rejected by people who claim to be my friends. Reject me all you want people on the subway, strangers at bars and other douche bags, but not after you front like we're cool and I can trust you. I just feel like what is wrong with me... what's so bad about me that makes this dude not even want to be friendly, or makes our other mutual friends act shady? Is it because I’m fat? I may be thick, but I know I am still cute. Trust. Am I dumb? Not funny enough? Pathetic? WTF? I just wish I knew why, so at least it would make sense. I am really put out right now; I don't know what to even think. How did I get here? I am too old to be trippin' off people who don't give a f*ck about me. I'm not perfect, but I don't deserve this... I don't. And what's hard is seeing people who are "less than you" getting what you want. Like, how am I being passed over for a barely educated, havin' mad kids and grandkids grandma who is easy? How am I being passed up for HER?

Since it's livejournal, I can't go into too much detail, but something happened last night with me at home that made me realize that maybe I’m not cut out for all this. I have always been very sensitive, and so it's not NYC's brashness that gets to me. But for me, opening up and putting myself out there is a big deal and I have and will be rejected from time to time, but I feel betrayed. And although logically I know something must be wrong with these people, emotionally I feel like something must be wrong with me. Like what is it about me that made these" friends" turn their back on me? I feel helpless in a sense, because what else can I do? It just hurts to know that someone who matters to you a lot doesn't give a flying sh*t about you, and there is little you can do about it. I may be leaving NYC next week, at least for a few weeks. Again, I can't go into detail, but this whole issue has been a catalyst for so much other chaos in my life that I feel like I’m drowning here. Plus, I miss tan white people and sunny days that mean shorts and bathing suits, not uggs and down coats.

This sucks :(

Current Mood: sad

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Jan. 10th, 2007

09:51 am - Facing the unknown

It has finally settled in that I am unemployed. The novelty has worn off, and though I am trusting in God to deliver me from this situation, my heart is scared. I have sour stomach I'm so scared! It's one thing to leave a job with lots of savings in tow or another job offer. But I left my job without either two, and it's scary. The enemy keeps telling me that I will fail and that I will need to pack up and go back to California if something doesn't come through soon. But I know God wouldn't have me step out in faith to fall off the cliff of my life. There is just no way.

I had 2 interviews yesterday. One, working as an executive receptionist and assistant, went really well. I was supposed to hear something by yesterday afternoon or early today, and it's still early so I shouldn't worry. I just hate being disappointed, but I felt such and emotional connection to the people I interviewed with and I really want this job. But I realize that it's in God's hands, and that he will open the doors where he sees fit. Waiting is the hardest part of it all. Waiting and not knowing is what gets to me.

Today in my bible meditation I read from Philippians 3 and 4, and I happened to stumble upon a few verses that really spoke to me about where I am currently in my life. The most prominent of these was Philippians 4:6, "Do not be anxious about anything but in prayer and petition, with thanksgiving present your requests to God." It's all I can do, nothing more. Worrying and being stressed aren't going to help things move faster and it won't help me get the answers I want any faster. All I can do is pray and make my needs/ requests known to God and I have to trust that he will handle it for me. It's just scary... facing the unknown with so much at risk is scary, but I have to walk this out in faith and know that I am all right and it is all taken care of.


Yesterday I got sorta upset about this guy, because in my mind if someone tells you they like you and you tell them back that you like them then why aren't you calling??? I made it a rule not to call him and I just submitted this to God, that I would love to be a part of this man's life and to be one of the few people who encourage him to be his best, but God's will will be done. Period. Still, I like him more than I’m truly comfortable with and I just got a little emotional thinking he may have passed me up for that old Puerto Rican grandma he used to be with. Ick. My head tells me that he does not have the qualities I need in a man, but again my heart says something different. One good thing about not working there is that I can't flirt with him all day... I have to actually be productive now.

Just keep me in your prayers as I wait to hear back about this job and continue to interview. Pray that God opens a door soon and that in the mean time I have the peace I need to live gloriously.

Current Mood: anxious

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Jan. 8th, 2007

Aug. 17th, 2006

07:36 am - Still waiting....

I am still waiting. Waiting to know whether or not God wants me in New York, barely 4 days shy of my scheduled departure. I truly do realize that God works on his own time schedule.

Last night I came home from work and let myself cry out to God. I read the Psalms of King David, where he to cried out for relief. This is tough, not knowing, and trying to remain faithful and positive when reality says to give up. I am so thankful that my mother, friends, and church family are all praying for me and supporting me through this... yet it still hurts.

I have to be honest, I don't let myself hope too much or want too many things that are out of reach. The fear of disappointment and failure has kept me from reaching too high, but as a woman after God's own heart I can't continue with that mindset. I know I can't... I know God has called me to do more than what's easy & comfortable. So this is the first time since I can remember that I’ve allowed myself to reach for something much grander than I could do on my own. I truly believe that the Lord has allowed the desire to move and grow in my career to be placed in my heart, because 1 or 2 years ago I would never have thought this is what I would want. I also know that God has, through the pain of this challenging experience, allowed things to come to pass that expose His true power, grace, & mercy. He got me an apartment that's cheaper and better than what I expected, a job with more money, and even an interview with the UN. I know God is blessing me through this, and even though I'm now once again waiting for deliverance through this, deep down I know God is taking care of this and me. My mom says He's already answered my prayers, and that everything IS okay in this moment right now. I believe it, I do believe it, and I just pray that today is better than yesterday. Yesterday was hard, and being broke down emotionally is something I would rather avoid. But God's will will be done. I pray that I get some good news today!

Current Location: Home

Current Mood: exhausted

Current Music: Grandma's Mutterings

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Aug. 16th, 2006

01:32 pm - Still waiting

Why is waiting the hardest part of being human? It feels like suffering without an end in sight, and the amount of anxiety and stress that can build up through waiting is almost too much to bear. I am still waiting on a firm job offer to come through. I was supposed to know yesterday, and tried to not be dissappointed when I heard nothing then. Now it's 1 day later, and after 3 messages and 1 email I am at a loss for what else I can do. I'm trying to not let myself think about it too much, because worrying won't help anything, but it's still hard. I don't want to rob God of His glory by fretting and not trusting in Him, but this is so hard. All I can do is meditate on His word, pray and ask for peace in my spirit. It just saddens me to think about what will happen if this doesn't go through. I always play it safe, and this time even when I thought I was being careful, I obviously wasn't. The amount of money, time, and effort spent to move has been tremendous and the consequenecs of this job not coming through are grim. But I keep telling myself that I have to believe that if I don't get the job, and it's not God's will for me to be there then He will still take care of me... even in the midst of the turmoil. I have to believe it... I must. If I can't believe in that then my whole world is over... nothing matters nor makes sense if I can't trust in God.

So I'll wait and will continue to wait and continue to hope and trust that God will deliever His promise to me. Just pray for me, because I have less then a week to move to NYC and with no firm job offer there won't be a move. But I know that God's will, will be done. I know this for a fact.

Current Location: Work

Current Mood: contemplative

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Aug. 13th, 2006

10:09 pm - My Testimony

I think it's very important to share with others what God has done in your life, and although I haven't always been one to share my testimonies with others, I think now is the time to start. First off, God performs miracles in 2006. Within 10 minutes I went from losing a job, to booking an interview with probably a better job. I'll give some background to the situation, but I had to just say that God does perform miracles, even in 2006.

Let me start out by saying my relationship with God has matured beyond my wildest dreams. I now experience a level of trust and intimacy with the Lord that I never knew existed. I am not 100% where God has called me to be, but I am on my way. I began college with nothing more than a superficial relationship with God. Which means, I suppose, that I called on Him when things went bad but forsaken fellowship like it was the plague, and let sin run my life. Yet, God worked a miracle even then through my roommate and her relationship with God inspired me to seek Him out in my life. Since then, God has worked wonders on me and throughout this spiritual growth the Lord has made me more sensitive and aware to what He's calling me to do on this planet. I believe we all have a destiny, and the key to finding your destiny is through the spiritual and what's more is that those who "miss" it or fall tragically short, generally have little to no spiritual life. I don't want that to be my story, and so I will always aggressively pursue God's will in my life. That being said, I do believe the Lord has provided me with increasing clarity to what He wants me to do with my life. And yes, it was NOT what I originally sought out yet; it does bring joy to me still.

I'm being a bit vague, but through some random classes in college & important relationships, I became more aware of my role as a global citizen. I began to not only become interested and well versed in international issues, but I felt a yearning to find a way to become part of the many solutions needed to fix the illnesses within human society. Due to that revelation, I thought missionary work or something similar was the path to accomplishing this desire, but soon realized that in order to leave the country I had a lot to get in order at home first. So the last year I have spent working and living in the comfort of my home to focus on my future and what God was specifically calling me to. And through a series of trips back east, and tons of research about the international affairs community, I knew that if God was calling me to do this it would NOT be in San Francisco. The thought of moving back East frightened me, because the consequences of failure were more severe there than at home. Additionally, the challenge of orchestrating such a move seemed daunting. Yet I knew if it was God's will and He had allowed the desire to do this to be present in my life, then I would be a fool to do anything else. Besides, living at home (although great) was teaching me a lesson that I did not care to know firsthand: the comforts of home can breed complacency, which will equal one living a mediocre existence. I won't mention any names, because that's not for me to do, but I have and continue to encounter many old friends and classmates now 6 years removed from high school but living the same life. If that's your definition of happiness, then I totally respect that, but I know in order to be a positive part of world change you will NOT have the pleasure of being mediocre and always comfortable or even safe. It's just not gonna happen.

Okay well I felt God calling me to move, and even though I didn't know how it was gonna happen I trusted in Him that it would. However, I’m also a planner and with this move about 6-8 months beforehand I began to plan it all out. For months I spent hours upon hours a week applying for internships, jobs, and even looking at housing in NYC. I wanted to be prepared and not leave anything to chance, but all my planning was a waste of time. Nothing came through and after many months of doing this, I questioned that I really knew God's will and sort of gave up. The time I would've spent applying to various things, I spent in prayer and meditation... hoping that it would bring some revelation I was sorely missing. Not only did it do just that, but also God began to move in my life in ways I couldn't imagine. Within just a few weeks, God blessed me with an interview at the UN for an internship, a job with great hours and better pay, and a slammin' apartment with amazing roommates and cheaper rent. I then knew it was His will for me to be there, and began to make the necessary plans to move my life 3,000 miles away.

However, 2 weeks shy of moving (after plane tickets had been bought & lease signed) I received a call that could have devastated me. My new boss gave me some bad news, that due to a spending freeze she couldn't have me start work for at least a few more weeks if not next season. I think my heart almost stopped, because never before have I trusted God this much and stepped out on faith so much that I stood to lose everything if it didn't work out. Yet, my the grace of God I began to recite Psalms 37:4, " Delight yourself also in the Lord, and He shall give you the desires of your heart." And then the Lord allowed a thought to come to mind. The VP of the whole division of schools I work for, just a few days before mentioned that if my job with Gibbs didn't work out he had something else for me. He said it in passing and I didn't think that much of it, since I knew Gibbs would work out. But praise God, the Lord was working His will through my boss and I then knew that God can use anyone to get His will done. Within 10 minutes, the VP made a call to NYC and got my an interview (with a strong strong recommendation) and now less than 5 days from the initial call, I have an interview with the VP & president of that school. Not only that, but the job is closer to my new apartment and is a very successful school. Oh and my boss (if I'm officially offered the job) is Black, which to me is wonderful. In short, God has just performed a miracle right before my highs and His awesomeness has blown me away.

I realize now that God's will is perfect, but that everything won't go perfectly. I told my whole church today about my story, because I want to celebrate what God is doing in my life, and I want my story to give others hope as well. Tomorrow I have my interview, and I just pray that when I leave on August 21st that I have a job secured that blesses me financially, in NYC. Well I gotta get to bed, but I just needed to finally put my testimony out there.

Current Location: Home

Current Mood: excited

Current Music: Crickets in the backyard

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Jun. 27th, 2006

09:27 pm - I love Yogurt

Yogurt is the best midnight or late snack. It's so good...makes me purr.

So I have this rule against looking at myspace or facebook too much, because I always end up being reminded of old lost friendships or forgotten enemies and it gets me a little rattled up. I am a work in progress, and although God has allowed me a great deal of growth from where I used to be, I am still not where I should be...but I will continue striving forward to get there. However, when I come upon these varying webpages of people I am no longer in good standing with, I am then reminded and usually filled with guilt or dread as I reflect on those relationships. There aren't tons of them, although there are more than I care to remember, but in remembering I then find myself in a spritual battle: do I contact them and offer sincere apology or do I ignore these feelings and keep moving forward? I usually choose to ignore whatever feelings come up, because the thought of being rejected by someone I once rejected or found unworthy of my time is just sad. But today I decided to go forward and offer an olive branch, if you will, and I do have some peace about it. With most people, once you fall out you usually alter some way of living in order to not constantly run into them. But I recently decided that I was going to rextend myself into an activity that I had once rejected, therefore I now will most likely run into this person again in the near future. So we shall see... I did see some quoted scripture on her personal page, so maybe God is doing wonders in her life as well? Who knows, but i'm eager to see how this will turn out.

I'm moving in less than 48 hours...YAY, although not living in SF will be an adjustment. I like how easy everything is, how I never have to drive to get where I wanna get, etc. But saving $$ on rent is far better, as well as spending time with my family before I leave California. If I leave California. I don't want to get my hopes up too much, but again I have to trust in God that he will continue to take care of me and if it's his will then I will be in New York come this Fall. I should get back to work....more updating later :)

Current Location: Dining Room

Current Mood: nostalgic

Current Music: Charles Stanley Institute

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Jun. 26th, 2006

12:34 pm - It's Been A Long Time...

I had no idea that working full time, interning and actng would prohibit me from updating my journal regularly. It's been a long time, my last messages being fairly negative and I want to do a better job at journaling when great things happen, as well as when not so great things happen. I tend to only write about the latter, which isn't bringing glory to God and what He's doing in my life. He is doing so much and I'm excited about the spiritual growth taking place in my life. I truly have a lot of peace in my life, and God has forced me to trust in Him more than I ever have before. I also started a women's ministry at my chruch, and have become quite close to a few young women that I never thought I would get to know. God is also revealing to me what His will is for me in my life, and that's probably the most exciting part of all this. Speaking of which, i'm working as the Interfaith Outreach Coordinator for Amnesty International and it's allowing me to work with religious communities in more progressive work in their communities as well as internationally. Right now i'm working with death penalty issues, but after seeing "An Inconvienent Truth", Al Gore's new film about global warming, I don't understand why American Christians aren't up in arms about the way the planet is being treated. Why is it that religious communities in the US can only focus on hate, intolerance, money, and war as issues to be concerened about. Why are these communities ignoring the spritual battles with the death penalty, toture, AIDS crisis and the decay of the planet??? Working with Amnesty is allowing me to be more sensitive to what power religious communities have and how to use that power for good rather than evil. Well maybe not evil, but just things like abortion and gay marriage which aren't issues that will severly impact the future of humanity. I could say so much about the religious right and how it's defrauding americans of using their religion for important progressive issues.

Speaking of Amnesty work, I actual need to finish some up. Maybe i'll update later, there is so much more going on that I wanna talk about as well :)

Current Location: Home

Current Mood: amused

Current Music: Prairie Home Companion

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Feb. 12th, 2006

10:01 pm

I admitted today, to my good friend T that I am in a slump. Work is taking over my life, or so it seems and I don't adore my housing situation anymore. However, in the midst of my slump I know I am profoundly blessed and I have no reason to feel the way I do...but all logic seems to slip from my mind when I feel like this. I just want a place where I can just be...just relax and feel supported. It's only when I'm praying or just feeling the awesomeness of God that I can be relaxed. But lately, those times aren't very frequent and I'm living in a Christian household! Sigh...all I can do is sigh and just be patient, and of course praise God in the midst of it all. Although, as I write this I am trying to work out exactly why I feel like I’m in a slump... like there has to be some real, tangible reasons why I am feeling this way. I'm a big believer in speaking about your reality so that you can truly tackle it, and not leaving things in the dark to fester. I also know that I have a strong tendency to harp on things, which is why right now as I type, I'm also asking my friend T why she's feeling the same. I figure, if I can help her I will help myself...being involved with her issues lets me escape my own.

This job of mine is incredibly frustrating for so many reasons, but the most important reason is that I don't feel like I’m doing my best. I'm used to excelling, or at least targeting a challenge with a sure fire plan of success. I'm not the sharpest tool in the shed, hence my lack of grammar and spelling skills, but I have always been in the top 5%...always. And if I wasn't, I knew it wasn't that I couldn't do it but it was simply that I failed to try. So for me, being at this job and excelling within the first 3 months and then attending some training, coming back and sucking...it's a humbling experience. The fear in me has made me start looking for another job, although I want to stick this out and I also know that it's rare to get paid as much in an entry level position. I know pay isn't everything, but with all my plans of travel and what have you...I just can't go back to making less than 40k. Finally, I'm able to save a great deal, but pay my tithes, have money for acting, french lessons and voice lessons. So I dunno what to do besides pray and ask God for there to be some changes in my productivity at work. Or at least a more positive outlook from me. The fact is, I am blessed to have a job with flexible hours, a supportive boss, free food and good pay. I am so blessed and don't deserve to be, so I need to praise God for that and have faith that He will allow doors to open if I depend on Him. For instance, I'm thinking about moving to NYC later this year and I know that in order to do it I need to be making at least 50k....to live well at least. Well, my job will allow me to transfer and we have another school in NYC.... I just need to apply for jobs there, etc. However, there is so much convenience in that, and I know that if it's God's will He will open that door.

This housing situation of mine is truly as ideal as it gets. I live in a huge flat, great neighborhood and don't pay a crazy amount for rent. I also live with other Christians, and generally can feel pretty supported within the house. Yet since everything happened with my housemates boyfriend (see previous 2 blogs), I feel apprehensive about coming home. I don't trust anyone, well mostly everyone because who knows where the next offense will be from. My heart is so guarded towards the house, I don't want to participate or give anything to the house right now and I know if I follow through with it all then my next step will be leaving. I just feel so betrayed, because never did I think I would sign up for a Christian household and be treated like this. I didn't sign up for this and am very hurt and disappointed with the experience. I also took over the leadership of the house when the old leader almost moved out, because I knew no one else would step up. Now I'm burnt out and not interested, I am just so tired of caring so much about how other people feel. Like having to constantly worry about how this effects whomever, or is this person going to be okay with this...I just don't have the energy. I don't...I feel drained and don't want to participate in this charade anymore. I don't know if I believe in it and I just don't feel comfortable here anymore. I put an ad up for my room today, and am contacting different churches to post ad's with them. Maybe I’m too old for this type of living situation or maybe I’m too intolerant to live with people who can't voice their own opinions, don't follow through, and believe wholeheartedly that what they feel is also valid to me. And on top of it all, one girl is moving out and now we're stuck with her portion of the rent! I just want to leave...I just don't know what to think at this point and I need to spend some time with God to feel a bit better. My body even aches with all of this...I'm heading to bed and will write more in the morning.

Current Mood: crappy

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Feb. 11th, 2006

11:32 am - Whenever work gets me down...

A little piece of encouragement from Charles Stanley....



February 11, 2006
Profiting From Pain
Psalm 23:5-6


People rarely think of suffering as profitable. But when facing the difficulty and pain of a valley experience, we mature spiritually. We make discoveries about ourselves when trials peel away any façade we might typically display and instead expose who we truly are. As our life is shaken, we learn what forms our faith: the Scriptures or opinion. Consequently, valley experiences reveal priorities, spiritual crutches, and whether we boast of Christ or our own strength. God's purpose is to wrench away everything we depend on until nothing competes with Jesus' reign.

Crutches and bravado are to be replaced by a real dependence upon God. Believers are encouraged to recall that He provides for our needs--"prepare[s] a table before me in the presence of my enemies"--and heals our wounds--"anoint[s] my head with oil." (v. 5) A good shepherd rubbed oil onto the scrapes his sheep received while foraging. In that way, healing began before the animal left the valley floor. As a result of relying on our Shepherd, we experience renewed intimacy and a sense of inner peace that sustains us through the challenge and beyond.

God's children can profit from pain only by accepting the Father's work in the valleys. Fighting or crying for a way out gains us nothing. Accepting means asking the Lord two questions: What is Your goal for this time? and How am I to respond? Whatever the Lord's response, our next step is submitting ourselves and all we have to Him with the knowledge that our valley is really a gateway to His purpose and our profit.

Current Mood: blah

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Feb. 4th, 2006

04:13 pm - I am a Self-Righteous Bitch...

So only people who are my "friends" are allowed to comment on my journals. Why? Because this isn't an open forum for how people feel about me and what I do or don't do. This is a place for me to voice my opionions and get some clarity on the craziness that is going on in my head. However, LJ has this new service, when people leave comments on your page you can save 'em even if they won't get published. So I'm looking through some old blogs and see the following:

I left out one thing
joy_n_smiles 2005-10-26 10:40 pm UTC (from 128.125.61.127) You're also a self-righteous bitch.


This was in response to an old blog, where I commented upon my ability to be cold blooded in certain situations. What is so funny about this, is that if I would have read this back in October, I would've tracked down this person and have a discussion with them...I would've been heated to think that someone would say this about me. However, I see satan working in people and I now know to not care about what people (especially scared b*tches who don't even leave their real names) have to say about me. But more improtantly, I am fully aware of my faults as a woman and although I am a work in progress, I know I have offended too many people to not have some consequences of those actions laying around. So once again, I'm able to see the work that God had done with me because rather then get upset, I just praise God that someone thinks i'm so worthy of their time that they would create a whole fake journal just to comment upon what i'm doing and saying. It's flattering, and it makes me realize how much my actions (negative or positive) affect others. I just never realized it was that serious....but for whoever "Joy n Smiles" is, I guess it was.

Reading over this blog has given me another revelation, that no matter how much I am so "over" someone, that at some point I do regret decisions that I make in those tense and toxic situations. In particular, I have been shown the error of my ways in a past conflict with a very good friend. I didn't say anything crude or inappropiate about her, but rather I told her I was no longer interested in pursuing anything with her. I was too through... emotionally, mentally, and physically. I need to know that someone will not disrespect me just because they're angry, because I tend to not take well to that (see my last post), but also because I don't treat other people that way. Honestly, I don't...well not until the offense has occured and then it's open season. Anywho, post undergrad my tolerance for all of that ish is so low especially when it's greek related, so I flipped out and detached myself from the situation. But I regret that now, I really do...because I alienated someone really imporant to me. I always thought you get to choose your friends, but it's not true... because we didn't choose one another, but we made it work and have been through the most and I just can't leave that behind. So I'm now trying to figure it out, what I can do to show how sorry I am. I realize we may not always like one another, and that's cool with me...but there is too much love there to not care. Anywho, to quote "Joy N Smiles", I am a self righteous bitch... I know what I want, I know what I like and I know what I don't care for and have no qualms in letting it be known. But from this point forward, please...if you have something to say just leave your name and number. I will be more than happy to get get back to you!

Current Mood: chipper

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Feb. 3rd, 2006

12:03 am - F**ked Up People... Praise God for 'em

I've calmed down a lot, praise God, but I almost lost my damn mind today. My housemate's boyfriend went off on me because I accidently tossed some of her stuff. This man who calls himself my brother in Christ spoke to me like I was some freakin' criminal, all over some material mess that we should be above. Praise God though, because he allowed me to not lose my mind...I almost had my Dad roll by and f**k a cracka up. I will be damned to have some white male oppressor speak to me like he has the God given right to disrespect me...there is too much history there for me to be okay with it all. And all this over some freakin' shoes that got tossed, like it can and will be handled but with all this yelling and ish....my God! Still, I need to give God praise because rather than pulling out a nice and cussing his a$$ out, I was calm, I apologized and then went to my room to freak out and called my parents.

What I realized today is that i've come a long way since last year with my anger, and i just need to give thanks to God for this transformation. With someone attacking me, I usually would flip out immediatly but I really held my own, worked through the situation and once I realized how insane this all was I flipped out. But, the ability to act rather than react is God-given and I am so thankful for that. However, when people show me who they are I believe them, and what I saw from this pathetic piece of crap was that he is not worth my time. What a faggot, to yell at a woman and be okay with it. I am so through....and yes, I know that right now I am not speaking as a woman who truly knows Christ. But I am also a work in progress, and me not running out the house or cutting this fool is a BIG step up from where I was.

So the next few months will be interesting. My heart is so hardened towards him that I don't know what will occur next. I do know that I am not above making a call to my Dad and the ghetto family members to f**k someone up, and that I also want to become a woman that truly gives her life to God....so we'll see what wins out over the next few weeks. I know that satan is coming strong, and if I let him steal what God has given to me than I am no better than this cracka faggot of a man who allows himself to act like in animal over some minor material losses. Pray for me though, because old Ebonee would love to see pain inflicted upon any offender. Praise God for progress, I ain't there yet but at least I'm making some growth.

Current Mood: angry

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Jan. 19th, 2006

04:32 pm - Nevermind about that last one....

Um.... I love this one too much to abandon it. So... although I'm too busy at work to actually update, I will try and do so soon. Soonish...I dunno. Okay...later!

Current Mood: blah

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Dec. 29th, 2005

Dec. 8th, 2005

12:28 am - So Freakin' Confused and I cannot sleep...

I don't know how to say this... law school may not be the answer. I um.... I'm freaking out.

Current Mood: contemplative

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Oct. 10th, 2005

09:55 pm - Dubya

I just needed to post this quote someplace, because we now have proof from the horses mouth/ass or whatever that our President is INSANE. He is lyin' on God to cover up his mental issues....Lawd I can't wait 'till '08. He makes me more angry than immature b*tches (see last rant for more info)...

"President Bush said to all of us: 'I'm driven with
a mission from God. God would tell me, "George, go and fight those
terrorists in Afghanistan." And I did, and then God would tell me,
"George, go and end the tyranny in Iraq …" And I did. And now, again,
I feel God's words coming to me, "Go get the Palestinians their state
and get the Israelis their security, and get peace in the Middle
East." And by God I'm gonna do it.'



SEE???? Crazy!!!! God don't bless NO mess...puhleeze, this man is sick.

Current Mood: hot

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Oct. 9th, 2005

10:04 pm - Excuses

Once upon a time I learned from a very scary, yet wise friend that excuses were never okay. There is always a reason why something failed; why someone did this or you did that... we all have reasons to why we fail to meet whatever expectations. But my question today is, where do ones reasoning becomes an excuse? I just got off the phone with someone who gave me a million reasons why they failed to come through, and although her reasoning was respectable I found that I was soon listening to a bunch of excuses. And so I had to wrap things up and get back to the world I choose to live in where excuses for being ineffectual aren't tolerated. My level of intolerance with human weakness is so sad... I really cannot even feign to be interested in someone who finds comfort in childish blame games, etc. And where there was once concern for what this friend was going through or thinking, I now don't care... no I now feel blank in regards to this person. How can I be so cold and unphased?

I think getting older has allowed me to see people for who they are, and allowed me to view ones actions as an unfiltered view of who they are. I look at myself this way; if I can treat one person with such callousness I know that I can treat another with the same amount of nonchalant disdain. However sometimes I trick myself into thinking that with certain people I would never feel this way. Well I was quite wrong. Being away from people and these sticky situations (all located in LA) gives me enough distance to not be uncomfortable with my lack of caring for these people. It's one thing if you see someone daily, because at least the jarring effect of seeing him or her incites some form of emotion. But I don't have that pleasure and so, with filtering emails, deleted numbers and updating your list of online friends, you can really disconnect yourself from someone in ways that were incapable even a few years ago. All this is so interesting and yet. Disturbing to me because I haven't always been so cold... I use to really care, to really want to work things out with people. But I don't anymore.

In May of this year I could count at least 10 people from my alma mater that I would love to see again. People that I would keep in contact with and it's sad that the number has dwindled. Or is it? I view it as sort of a weeding process, that those friendships of significance will remain and the others will fall away with due time. But cutting ties, by negative occurrence, with 2 people... 2 sorority sisters within the same month??? It just speaks volumes about me, the choices I’ve made in friendships.... just volumes. I suppose it isn't so crazy to think that an organization that attracts a certain type of person would mean an organization full of people that I am not attracted to? That places the blame of these ruined relationships on others and not myself, which I like but find silly. Whatever the reasons are why I find my "sisters" to be women I do not respect or care for, I do know that I asked God...begged God to be a part of it all and so this I brought on myself. It's just crazy how it all turns out, how from the outside the sisterhood is so positive but from the inside I have met far too many women who I wouldn't dare call sister. And I don’t know why I’m talking about this now, being that I’m no longer involved in it. A lot of my reasoning is summed up best here: http://girlgenius.typepad.com/girlgeniuscom/2005/07/jesus_was_an_ak.html.... I’m too lame to link it in appropriately, but I’m loving this girls blog and her feelings on sisterhood are on par with mine.

I'm not sure what else to say about all of this, I know that for now I am done with the situation and the "soror/ friend" involved. I pray that God opens my heart again, but for now it is closed. And once again I am left with bitter reflections on something intended to be incredibly rewarding and useful. Through adversity God has shown me who I am, I am able to see myself as he sees me...full of wounds, scars, and disease. And I now see my extreme intolerance and my inability to maintain relationships with difficult people is a problem. Not saying I want these people back in my life, I am truly disgusted by what I see them to be, but I can't let this issue of mine to destroy the few flowers in my freshly weeded friendship garden. I pray that God continues to reveal these things to me, and continues to make me open to his will... I'm weary of being cold.

Current Mood: apathetic

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Oct. 5th, 2005

01:37 pm - When things fall apart...

Attempting to see the “silver lining” in a cloudy situation is always a struggle for me, and yet I am micraisously able to seek out the positive in a pleathroa of annoyances that I would rather do without. Let’s begin with my trip to LA, coming up in 3 weeks and is supposed to be a grande ole’ time full of partying, visiting, etc. Well now I have to cancel my trip, because like an idiot I relied on other people to make things work and they didn’t. For starters I had a huge falling out with the friend I was staying with and I had to email a whole bunch of people and try to find another place to crash. That seemed to work out until yesterday when my friend B says I can’t stay with him cuz he’s filming. Understood, but it would’ve been nice to know this farther in advance, but I’m not tripping because my trip was semi-ruined even before he called with that news. One of my sorors, who is also a good friend (there is a difference people) offered to purchase my homecoming tickets for me and when I sent her the money, she was “too busy” to stop by the ticket office and buy ‘em until the next week. Well now every ticket is sold out and I am a$$ed out of my homecoming plans. What’s worse is that she can’t even apologize nor respond to my emails about asking her to send my money back or whatever. But I can’t even be mad at her about it all, because I should of known better when dealing with a child. That sounds harsh, but it is true… I am 23 and she is 19, those 4 years I have on her makes a huge difference in our mental and emotional maturity. I can juggle a busy schedule and still keep the promises I make to people… I ahven’t always been able to do this, but I can now. She, quite obviously, can’t and I shouldn’t be surprised. However, there is a silver lining to this all and God has provided that insight to me in the midst of the panic and inconveince. I don’t miss LA as much anymore, without Kari being there, and so visiting for homecoming would’ve been sorta lack luster to begin with. I also don’t feel up to seeing quite a few people, and now I have a good reason for why I can’t see them. I also am on a strict budget and it’s much better to save my money than to spend it on shopping, eating, whatever else I do while on holiday. I can also now take that time off and use it to take a shorter holiday with my family or something… I may even be able to use this ticket to see Kari when she gets back from south Africa. So there is some good to all of this.



I am a really intolerant person, and I am infamously unapologetic about it. Whenever I begin to kid myself into thinking that I am anything other than this, something “bad” (relatively speaking) occurs and my true colors will show. The fact is though, I’m intolerant of myself and my own b.s. so it’s nothing personal, but I fear my intolerance has really cut off my relationships with some people and I’m beginning to wonder if that is a problem. Like with this whole LA debaatcle, I most likely have alienated my friend/soror who was supposed to buy me tickets. Of course that worries me, but then again I am very uninterested in pursuing friendships with people who are undependable and who are completely insensitive and blind to the needs of their friends. I also am over trying to have mature relationships with children… it has nothing to do with age, but how you conduct yourself. So I dunno about this one, at the moment I’m feeling little inclination to do much of anything. I can’t worry about the weeds in my garden, ya know? Speaking of weeds, the Lord has really surprised me and reconnected me with a friend that I sort of cast away. I was surprised, because my heart was so cold towards her and I have no motivation to open up to working things out. But God moved my heart and allowed me to contact her, so we talked and although things are not the same things are progressive and positive. However, I still don’t trust her and she isn’t a close friend, but I have mad love for her and will concentrate on that to get me through. My friend T is having a similar situation, where she used to be closer than close with dear friend and yet now has totally phased her out of her life. I feel the exact same way, like this friends place in my life is no longer open and so we’ll see if we can create a new space for us to exisit in. Another friend of mine, a Christian sista, may be pregnant and I am just so shocked. I guess I assume, based on my own experiences, that once you give your life to Christ and really put Him first that secular beliefs and behaviors will fall to the wayside. It’s even harder for me to understand because she’s older and has been living her life as a Chritian longer than I have. Kia reminded me to not get caught her in her issue, that it’s between God and her and I need not pass judgement on her. I too agree, but what does it say about a person who will knowingly do wrong, not stop and be comfortable in their sin? Whenever I am confronted about the hypocrisy of the Christian church I always want to say that it’s not the majority of Christians who lives fail to practice what they preach, but… I dunno. More times than not I am asked by struggling Christians and non-Christians why they should believe who God’s children do some much wrong. I don’t have the answers, but I pray God gives me some peace with this… I need to be supportive of her and not condemn her, but I have xzero respect for her choices and am uber disappointed.

Okay enough of this negative stuff, I tend to always wanna write when ish ain’t cool, but I am too blessed to not praise God and harp on what good has been occurring in my life... but I'm about to take lunch so that will have to wait for another day.

Current Mood: frustrated

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Sep. 20th, 2005

12:52 pm - Too Blessed to Be Stressed...smile

In the midst of the madness, I still have joy, and can see my blessings clearly without confusion. This for me is a first, never before in my life have things around me been less than desirable and my mental/emotional state not suffering because of it all. Not to say that I do not feel overwhelmed or stressed, but I do not feel defeated…. Nor alone and my faith is stronger because of it all. Things at work are less than desirable, to say the very least. My boss is a psycho, a racist, and a witch with a capital B. Never before have I been in a position where I meet all my deadlines, come in on time, etc, etc… and still receive an onslaught of unwarranted complaints. But oh well, I realize that I cannot be concerned with or control this woman’s emotions and all I can do is do my best all the time, be on my toes, and pray for the strength to endure. That being said, I am looking for another job as we speak. I have three interviews this week, and I am applying to about 15 jobs a day via monstertrak or craigslist. I realize that what I hate most is having my options taken away from me, and no matter what the situation is I will force myself to create some options. Therefore, my hope is that within the next month I will have a new job, minus any crazy racist rich white people to deal with. A girl can only hope, can’t she?

If the chaos in my life was only employment related, I would count myself lucky but as always in my relationships, there have been deep, unforgivable ripples. Okay let me rephrase that, unforgivable is misleading, because if God can forgive me and my sinful nature on a daily basis the least I can do is forgive others. However, I do not promise to forget and when people show me the ugliness that lays in their heart; I believe them and keep a steppin’. I made the decision, after weeks of inner turmoil and prayer, to say my piece to the friend I have written about in quite a few postings. I gave her a week to respond, since I was not rude, spiteful or disrespectful, I assumed that she would feel comfortable in responding and voicing her perceptive as well. So I gave her a week, knowing that life is busy and that it takes time to process hefty emails about the downfall of a friendship, etc. it has been over a week…. Way over a week and she has not responded. In her action less state, I now realize the ultimate truth about her, about our friendship and it is in that truth that I have found comfort. I know that she may, in the future, decide to contact me…. When it is more confinement for her or whatever. Nevertheless, the window of time has closed and I have washed my hands of the situation. This is not saying I hate her or anything ridiculous like that. In all honesty, I love her dearly and wish things could have been different. But I live in reality, and the reality is that she doesn’t care about me, our friendship, or anything related to those two things and it's better for me to cut my losses and spend time with ppl who do care. I am very worried, however, about running into her on my LA vacation next month, but she is dignified enough to speak, as am I. and I will have to tell myself now not to get into any drama, emotion filled discussions with her at that time… it’s just not worth ruining a weekend for. The other downside is that she lives with another close friend, and I would hate to make things awkward for this friend so…. All visits will have to be done outside of their home. Sigh.

I am not easy to get along with. After years of disastrous unions with varying people, I have a low tolerance for B.S. and am very comfortable with exercising my right to avoid B.S. at all costs. I’m sure those who know me very well know this about me, that when confronted with too much emotionally or mentally draining drama I always allow myself a break from the person/situation and will only come back to it if I deem it vital to my life. Otherwise, I will cut my losses and move elsewhere…. There is no need to harp on something that is already done for, in my opinion. The reason i'm saying all of this is because today, another friendship reached its expiration date and I’m surprised at how emotionally vacant I feel about it. I take an issue with people who cannot handle conflict without losing their head. Conflict isn’t always bad, I strongly believe there is a way to assert your opinions and still maintain a level of respect for your opponent. Part of that process, in my opinion, is patience… and knowing yourself well enough to take a break from the situation if you believe you may act in such a way as to make things worse. This is all easier said than done, and I myself have only recently embraced this point of view but at the age of 23, I can no longer tolerate people who are only “cool” when everything else is cool. For example, KT and I can disagree on a number of issues…, which I think is normal for any union between two people with different personalities, etc. Yet, KT and I do not disrespect one another, and can disagree without dismantling trust in our friendship. It’s easy, with practice, and I know that at this point in my life it works best for me to spend my time dealing with people who can understand that i.e. Long story short, a dear friend made the mistake of handling a conflict between herself and myself in a way that I found disgusting at best. In addition, although the offense was…is forgivable, it was a deal breaker for me. After knowing her for maybe 2 years, I have seen this thing occur more times than I care to discuss and like I always say when someone shows you who they are…BELIEVE THEM!!!! I can’t put any effort into a friendship with someone who continuously acts inappropriately in conflict, even if apologies may follow or whatever…. I just can’t. Usually I would just come to this conclusion and readjust my role in the relationship, without words or anything, just a simple readjustment. But I emailed her this morning and let her know where I stood, and then (quite immaturely) I made sure my decision was reflected in every possible area of my online existence so I wouldn’t have to be bothered with avoiding/ deleting any future correspondence. I can’t lie, I just don’t care enough to even pretend at this point and while I wish this sista all the best in the world, I won’t be willingly taking that journey with her. I just choose not to deal.

Therefore, as I said, I’m not easy to get along with. I judge myself with the same harshness as I judge others, and not so I can pass some sorta absolute truth over this persons life but so that I can weed out those people who to not meet the needs I set for myself. I guess that means that I won’t condemn you for being you, but if by my standards you are wack then you won’t be someone I socialize with on any intimate scale. Maybe I’m mean for saying it as such, but we all have a filtering process for people… some people just have less restrictions I suppose.

Some good news, since there is always good stuff going on that I usually forget to post. My New York trip was good, I’m in love with the West Village and want to move there and live with KT. However, I cannot move to New York and be broke… the quality of life for a broke person in New York is just too low to explain. I saw two old friends while in town and that was the highlight of my trip! It feels so good to reconnect with people and have it all just fall into place. We’re all at similar points in our lives, being the kids in high school who partyed A LOT, we’re done with that scene, drugs, crazy drinking…. It was so nice to be around people whose social life is respectable. Anyway, I loved seeing them so much that I plan to visit soon (well after winter or before)… it was literally the best part of my visit. Honestly, it was so refreshing to feel that everything meshed and that if I was to live in NYC that we would actually hang out. That feeling, I’m sad to say, wasn’t something I felt across the board and I guess I was a little sad to realize that if it wasn’t for distance some of my friendships really wouldn’t survive. At least wouldn’t be as close. While Taina was the perfect tour guide, really indulging me and taking me almost everywhere I wanted to go. KT was working the while time, which really sucked but we all worked around it and it was good. My feet were so dirty, it made me sick and I still need to get a pedicure with the quickness before sporting any open toed shoes. In addition, my love affair with H&M has ended…. It was not as cheap or as great as I hoped and I only bought a bag and some tanks. Tears. Next visit, I will travel with more than just myself, not take a free southwest flight (I flew into Long Island airport near Easthampton), and bring cute shoes. Next month I go to LA, and after some hiccups with where I was, staying, etc I’m now staying with Brandon and/or Talisa and Beth. YAY. I can’t wait; I miss so many people…. My social life in SF is slowly developing. Slowly.

Other good things, I was supposed to apply for the Fulbright Grant but started the process so late that I dunno if I can get a good proposal together and so I am rethinking all of it. I have a month, so maybe I can do it if I work on it for the next 2 weeks so dat I can do a through drafting process. I’ll ask Katie and Kia to check things over, but I dunno. I hate not doing my best and would rather give up than do a crappy job. Speaking of which, I should get back to work since I need to do my best here in order to not be fired…. Sigh.

Current Mood: dorky

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